My dog failed a drug test!

Got a call from a client recently. She told me that she was facing a probation violation. Usually a probation violation is one of three things--(1)New charges, (2) Failure to report for probation, and (3)Failing a drug test.

My sixth sense about such things told me it was number 3.

"Did you flunk a drug screen?" I asked.

"Yes. No. Sort of. Well, not really," she said.

"How is it that you're not sure if you flunked a drug test?"

"Well, because they weren't using MY pee. They were using my DOG's pee," she responded.

She went on to explain that she had a "condition" that she self-medicated, and being too poor to purchase prescription drugs, had no choice but to write her own prescription for street drugs.

Having never heard of this novel way to beat a drug test, I really didn't know what to say next. I knew that to some degree, the drug tests are witnessed, such that it is difficult to pass off someone else's urine as your own. ("Whizzinator" anyone?)

Anyway, she told me that collecting the specimen was really pretty easy. "When he lifts his leg, I just grab ahold and collect it. Then I strap it too myself and run a tube down there and it seems like the pee is coming out of me."

"Well, what drug is your dog taking?" I asked.

"He's not taking any drugs, but he tested positive for cocaine," she replied.

"How is it that he tested positive, but isn't snorting cocaine?"

"Well, my boyfriend smokes crack, so I figured that the dog must have gotten it second-hand."

Picture this dog. Unless this dog is really large, I would wager that it takes a few times to get enough of a sample, so the woman must be constantly grabbing the dog's penis to extract enough pee.

"Woman's best friend," maybe?