I'm not a drug dealer! I'm a purse snatcher!

Several years ago, a client came to me who had been charged, along with a co-defendant, with the offense of "possession of cocaine for resale." However, he was adamant that he was NOT guilty of the charges. This particular client had already accumulated a nice little record, but according to him, he "DID NOT DO THIS!" So, the interview went like this:

Tell me what happened.

"Well, dis dude called MY pager. wont'in to buy some crack."

"They called YOUR pager? OK. Did YOU return the call?" I asked.

"No, Bron returnt da call. When da person axed fo me, 'Bron jus kep talkin', like he wuz me." (Now, bear in mind that the police report said that my client had returned the call.)

"So, you gave Lebron YOUR pager. How come."

"He say he need to use it."

"So, you weren't there when Lebron had your pager?"

"Oh yeah, I was dere."

'Well, after Lebron returned the call from your oager, what happened next?"

"We went down there fo Bron to meet dude. I drove Bron down there."

'What happened next?"

"We done got dere and when Bron and I walked up. the po-lice bum rushed bof of us. And then dey charged ME with selling crack. Can you believe dat?"

Wanting to illustrate to my client how unbelievable this scenario was, I said, "Let me repeat this. The police called YOUR pager, talked to someone they thought was YOU. YOU and another guy show up. YOU drove him down there in YOUR car. He had in his possession the exact amount of crack they wanted to buy and then they arrested BOTH of you for selling crack?"

"That"s right."

"Well, if you weren't there to sell crack why were you there."

"Man, I swears i wasn't there to sell no drugs. I was only there to snatch purses!"

Moral of the story: When you are ONLY going to snatch purses, don't loan out your pager to drug dealers.

Or, as Confucius might say,: "Cracker who gets busted doing crime, will spend long time in jail house soup."

My dog failed a drug test!

Got a call from a client recently. She told me that she was facing a probation violation. Usually a probation violation is one of three things--(1)New charges, (2) Failure to report for probation, and (3)Failing a drug test.

My sixth sense about such things told me it was number 3.

"Did you flunk a drug screen?" I asked.

"Yes. No. Sort of. Well, not really," she said.

"How is it that you're not sure if you flunked a drug test?"

"Well, because they weren't using MY pee. They were using my DOG's pee," she responded.

She went on to explain that she had a "condition" that she self-medicated, and being too poor to purchase prescription drugs, had no choice but to write her own prescription for street drugs.

Having never heard of this novel way to beat a drug test, I really didn't know what to say next. I knew that to some degree, the drug tests are witnessed, such that it is difficult to pass off someone else's urine as your own. ("Whizzinator" anyone?)

Anyway, she told me that collecting the specimen was really pretty easy. "When he lifts his leg, I just grab ahold and collect it. Then I strap it too myself and run a tube down there and it seems like the pee is coming out of me."

"Well, what drug is your dog taking?" I asked.

"He's not taking any drugs, but he tested positive for cocaine," she replied.

"How is it that he tested positive, but isn't snorting cocaine?"

"Well, my boyfriend smokes crack, so I figured that the dog must have gotten it second-hand."

Picture this dog. Unless this dog is really large, I would wager that it takes a few times to get enough of a sample, so the woman must be constantly grabbing the dog's penis to extract enough pee.

"Woman's best friend," maybe?